Interview with the LH crew
by Damien Grey
Summary: Haitani has to go but he finds a replacement for the job. A mecha tama army is on the rampage. Do I even know what I'm writing? Of course not. Chapter 2(Edited) Haruka...
1. Keitaro

Disclaimer: Love Hina? Who owns it? Can you eat them? Mmmm… Bananas! Suu get out of my spot!

                                                                                           Intro:

Haitani: Hey there, I Haitani Masayuki have returned. This is the second fic that I have written that really isn't that serious. I'll go around Hinata-sou interviewing characters for you! Since no one has given me any ideas yet I'll start out with the easiest target, Keitaro.

Shirai: Wait how are you going to interview yourself when the time comes?

Haitani: Then I'll be Haitani A meaning Author and he'll be Haitani B.

Haitani B: What does my B mean? Bastard? Brainless? Breastseeker? 

Shirai: Breastseeker?

Haitani A: I understand your language buddy!

Haitani B: Me too my friend!

Kentaro: What about me? You told me you only know 3 people that like (or tolerate) me.

Haitani A: Then I'll only get reviews from only 3 people, duh

Kentaro: Just leave me alone!

Haitani A: Then I'll just go in Hinata-sou and start Mmmkay.

Kentaro: One more thing.

Haitani A: What?

Kentaro: Get rid of the A on your name.

Haitani: Will do! Now on with the fic!!!

Haitani B: I'm coo, coo for the A! B! C! D! E! F! Cups!!! Sing it with me!

Haitani A and B: I'm coo, coo for the A! B! C! D! E! F! Cups!!!

**                                                            Chapter 1: Keitaro, Former 3rd year Ronin**

            A dark shadow lurks in the shadows of Hinata-sou searching for the illusive ex-3rd year ronin. He spots his prey near a human watering hole (tea pot) and begins to look for the best angle to attack. Suddenly he pounces and the ronin falls to the floor hard, clutching his chest and the shadow reveals himself to actually be the author of the fanfic, Haitani Masayuki himself. The ronin is petrified by fear only momentarily and regains his footing. Suddenly the ronin counterattacks and spills the contents of the tea onto his lap and this causes him to begin a frantic war dance…

            "Haitani!!! Stop it with the weird documentary thing! Now!!!" Keitaro screamed through gritted teeth.

            "Sure, will do! Hehehe! Gotcha there a while ago."

            "You! I scalded my balls because of you!"

            Suddenly a heavy plank of wood falls on Keitaro's head which was followed by a loud voice upstairs that screamed "Keep it down will you!!! My favorite part is coming up!!!"

            "Yes dear" Keitaro replied

            "Soap opera?"

            "Unfortunately yes, she's been especially fond of those things since she accidentally saw one."

            "I guess I'll just go with the interview now"

            "I think you should"

            "So firstly…" Haitani started

            But before he could continue there was mad laughter upstairs that caused the hairs on Haitani and Keitaro's arms to rise. Which was followed by Naru cheerfully screaming "Hahaha!!! You wish, you'll never get breasts!!!" which was followed by even more mad laughter

            "So anyway…"

            "Ha! Take that, I told you he would notice the napkins!" Naru's voice echoed through the halls.

            "Damn soaps! Now that, that's over let's start. So anyway Keitaro, a lot of people have been wondering…"

            "Well…"

            "…"

            "Haitani…"

            "…"

            "Haitani!"

            "…"

            "Haitani!!!"

            "What! Stop screaming in my ear!"

            "What were you going to ask me!"

            "Oh, yeah… that… doustlllpeek…"

            "What?"

            "DO YOU STILL PEEK, there I said it!"

            "Well personally, I still do. But now that Naru's with me you know officially, it'll be double the pain. So me and the girls make these deals you see, and I see if I can bribe them into not telling and in turn I give them a favor, it works really"

            "Interesting, you don't peek on Kanako, do you?"

            "No! She's my own sister for God's sake!!!"

            "You're not blood related"

            "But it would still be wrong"

            "I've got pictures you want some"

            "No!!!"

            "But you're not blood related!!!"

            "Jeez, your logic is just like hers"

            "Uhhh… no"

            "You're hopeless, so what's next"

            "Let's see, oh look a letter from Mutsumi"

            _"Kei-kun;_

_            I went to see the three holes like you told me, but I thought only one of them looked nice, and I wanted them all so used all the money in your savings account to pay for it_

_Thanks a lot;_

_Mutsumi_

_P.S.___

_Can you tell me what your favorite anime is?"_

            Keitaro was staring at the letter blankly, mumbling something about his savings account. When Haitani took a picture of Kanako from his wallet and put it in front of Keitaro's face. This woke him up faster than one of Motoko's ki blasts and he faced Haitani once again, a vein throbbing on his temple.

            "Haitani!!! How did you get this!"

            "Hundreds of copies of that picture is on the internet want another?"

            "No, I don't want another!!! I'm even going to tear this one into pieces now!!!"

            "Okay, here's an even better one"

            "Haitani!!! I told you…" But before Keitaro could finish, a waterfall of blood came flowing out of his nose.

            "See you like it" Haitani proudly exclaimed

            "Stop it with the pictures!" Keitaro told Haitani as he tried to plug up his nose with a bit of rolled up tissue paper

            "Okay but aren't you going to answer Mutsumi's question?"

            "Okay, Mutsumi-san as you know I've always been a fan of Liddo-kun, so I guess that's it"

            "Next one is from me, Keitaro why are you cursed with being a pedophile? When did this start? And Why?"

            "O_O; I have no idea, my ancestors must have something terrible to one before I was born, stupid ancestors!!!"

            "Family curse huh?"

            "If you think I'm bad think about my dad. He was lucky mom ever stayed with him long enough to actually get to know him."

            "What did he do, drop an entire pitcher of water on her so he could see her you know, things"

            "Not exactly, but he tried that on my mom's best friend."

            "This is getting all too weird, but are there any other curses, genes or diseases that you want to mention."

            "There are a lot but all I'm telling you is that the females in my family seem to be attracted to older siblings, lucky my mom didn't have any brothers, I'm sorry for what she did to her other sisters though"

            "Must get Urashima Family Videos!!!" Haitani screamed as he wrote something down on a notebook.

            "Uhhh… Haitani…"

            "Yes."

            "Don't get within 50m from my mom's house, okay"

            "Why?"

            "I'm not taking any chances, you might find my baby pics."

            "o_o; I have to stop thinking out loud"

            "Yes, I think you should"

            "What are you guys doing down here anyway?" Naru asked as she came down from the hole in the ceiling

            "Oh, he's been interviewing me."

            "You didn't tell him about the incident did you?"

            "No…"

            "Good, I thought everyone was going to find out about that one"

            "What, incident" Haitani interrupted

            "It's nothing for you to worry about"

            "What? Does Keitaro have herpes? Are you pregnant? Are the two of you getting a divorce? What?"

            "No! It's none of those, that's disgusting!"

            "You're avoiding the question, all of those must be true! Hah! I knew it, wait till everyone hears about this, oh joy!"

            Naru lifts Haitani up by the collar while a veins throb on her temples and tells him through gritted teeth "I WET MY PANTS LAST WEEK! NOW BECAUSE OF THAT I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, SLOWLY!!!"

            "Hehe… Keitaro say something for me here! Help me!!!"

            "I'm not getting involved here" Keitaro replied as he left the room "I don't want blood on my shirt, it was just washed, Ja ne"

            "WAAAH!!!" Haitani's screams of pain echoed through the entire village of Hinata as Naru pounded him to a pulp. The pounding lasted for a few hours and after Naru left, Haitani lay still and lifeless on the floor. 

            "Must go on with the interview, Motoko help me…"

**                                                         Author's Notes, where the law is in my hands:**

Kentaro: Is he dead?

Haitani B: Most likely

Shirai: What do we do?

Keitaro: Let's take his stuff

Kanako: I want his disguise kit

Keitaro: His first aid kit is mine, the kit is mine!

Kentaro: I'll be taking my PS2 and a half back now.

Kitsune: Sake, sake ^_~

Shirai: I'll take the liver, costs a lot on the black market

Haitani B: Then the kneecaps are mine then

Suu: Bananas in the kitchen!!!

Motoko: His swords are mine stares at the pride of the collection, Beautiful…

Shinobu: Sempai… faints

Sara: Any artifacts around here?

Haitani A: wakes up What are all of you doing with my stuff? Put those back.

Everyone: Awww…

Haitani A: Wait, Suu you can keep the bananas

Suu: Yaay! Puts them back in her mouth

Haitani: Now you! Yes you! Points at the reader vote for the next one to interview, now! The people I hang out with, I wanted the kneecaps!

**                                                                                 The Real Notes:**

            Ehehehe…he… the notes are back in script since no one even told me which was better. Anyway if anybody thinks I took the idea for an interview thing from someone else, you got nothing on me. So send in your votes for the next one to interview and any questions you want to ask, I'll see if it's okay and I might just ask him/her your question. I wonder if there's a Haitani C? 


	2. Haruka

Disclaimer: I hate turtles…I hate turtles…I hate turtles!!! Kyaaa!!! Hiken Zan Kuu Sen!!! Myu?

                                                                                           Intro:

Haitani: In a Hitler costume Lieutenant Reiko I'll be temporarily unable to perform my duties so I am placing you in command of all three of my stories. If you want to be consistent go right ahead and use the style, if not just use your own. Any questions?

Reiko: Why do I have to wear this?

Haitani: A string bikini is ideal for free movement of all parts of the body.

Reiko: But why aren't you wearing one?

Haitani: I'm the commanding officer, I must sacrifice my own free movement for the good of the rest of my team (who would want to see me in one anyway). Plus, it is summer and the pile of complaints about the heat is going through the roof. And because of this experiment only the men are complaining about the heat.

Reiko: But they're wearing swim trunks.

Haitani: Then it proves they are just healthy young men.

Reiko: sweatdropping Uhhh… right.

Haitani: The convoy is here and I must go. I have one last request before I go.

Reiko: What.

Haitani: Do Haruka… steps inside the hum-vee and remember. Conflict is the key. I saw it on TV.

Reiko: So anyway, as Haitani's last request he told me to interview _the **old housemother of Hinata-sou**_, Haruka Urashima. And as Haitani says, on with the fic!

**                                                                             Chapter 2: Haruka…**

            All the residents of Hinata-sou were gathered in the kanrinin's room. They encircled the author of the fic, Haitani. Beside him was his loyal assistant, Reiko Yamasaki. He explained to them that he would be gone for a while and that Reiko was going to take care of things while he was gone.

            "And one more thing" Haitani started "She's almost as perverted as me so be careful"

            Naru snickered and said "Look who's talking, S & M fetish boy"

            "Hey, it's just my nature…"

            "Pervert!"

            "Troll!"

            "Stalker!!"

            "Pervert at heart!!"

            "Pedophile!!!"

            "Lesbian!!!"

            "Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! Calm down you two" Haruka interrupted just before they were about to beat each other senseless.

            "She started it!" Haitani said as he pointed at her

            "I did not!" Naru told Haruka as she raised her fist at Haitani

            "Shut up! If the two of you keep this up I'm gonna whip the two of you!!!" Haruka told them as she took out her whip.

            Both of them dropped their stances and instead glared at each other. Haruka shook her head in disbelief and took out a cigarette. Keitaro was wondering why all the girls were dressed in string bikini's while Motoko was complaining about not feeling like she was wearing anything.

            Kitsune yawned and asked Shinobu what was for breakfast. Shinobu thought for a while and said "The usual for everyone else and Miso soup, Rice and Sake for you"

            Kitsune grinned and said "The perfect breakfast."

            Kentaro appeared from the window and said "Not many people would say that, hey! Nice outfits, I wish it was summer all year round if you'll all wear those"

            "Great, another pervert to ruin my day" Naru snorted as she menacingly left the room and gave the boys the "I'm gonna kill you" look

            "It sounds weird but I have to agree with you on that one, Kentaro" Keitaro whispered to Kentaro

            "String bikini's, I love it!" Kentaro replied

            Suddenly Kentaro went hurtling to the ground at break neck speeds. And when the dust cleared Naru was standing triumphantly with her foot on Kentaro's chest. Soon after, Keitaro winced as Naru lost balance and fell head first into the ground. Naru stood up and signaled Keitaro that he was going to be next.

            "Haitani, I think I better go with you, for your own health and mine."

            Haitani felt Naru's overpowering presence and replied "I think I know what you mean, Seta must be there by now, let's go!"

            The rest of them followed and exactly after Haitani had finished giving them instructions, Seta hit him head on. Keitaro followed as he dragged Haitani into the van, Sara silently sneaked in as well.

            Kitsune sweatdropped and said "I think I know how this will end"

            "I think so too" Motoko replied

            Two cries for help escaped as Seta drove off, which soon turned into moans of pain. The van veered off course and fell into the river after a third voice joined the previous ones. Everybody that wasn't maimed by the crash ran to help them, but before anybody could reach it, the van was already back on the road and was continuing on its original route.

            "Well I guess that's it" Kitsune stated as she watched all the people on the street running away screaming as Seta's van barely missed them all. "Reiko, I guess you're in charge. So get to it"

            "Riiight… You know, Haitani told me I could do anything to you if I write it down on this notebook" Reiko told her as she took out a pencil

            Kitsune backed away and said "Well I'll be going now."

            "Kitsune finds all her sake bottles broken as she walks inside her room…" Reiko pretended to write and happily watched Kitsune run away screaming.

            "That was fun" Reiko stated as she closed the notebook "Anybody else want to try"

            Everybody else sweatdropped and Naru stammered "N…n…no m…ma'am"

            "Good! Now let's see who the next victim, oh! It's Haruka obaa-san"

            Haruka shook with rage but didn't do anything because she knew what might happen to her. "She has to sleep sometime soon" Haruka whispered to Naru

            "I know and that's when we take her down" Naru replied "Motoko are you ready to play exorcist for one last time?"

            Motoko nodded and said "It's a matter of honor now"

            "Operation Exorcist II begins at 23:45 hours, be there" Naru whispered to Haruka and Motoko as she set her watch.

            "For now, let me get this over and done with, I would have preferred Haitani though" Haruka replied

            "Hey!" Reiko screamed and their hearts skipped a beat "What are the three of you doing there! Haruka come with me!"

           Haruka followed her to the shop all the while anxiety churned in her stomach. She felt like she was about to throw up. When they got inside they sat down and Reiko reached into her bag and pulled out the notebook and the pencil. 

            "First a few questions from a few close friends, 13 years difference from your brother… Were you ever interested in him, like Kanako is with Keitaro? And if you were, what was your approach?"

            "He was too old for me, never would have worked out" Haruka sighed

            "So you were interested in him?" Reiko asked, a bit excited

            "Just a little, not too much just a little" Haruka stammered

            "That's what they all say" 

            "Next question! Who sent me that anyway?" said a flustered Haruka

            "He told me he was one of your old drinking buddies"

            "That explains it"

            "Next, Did you and Seta ever, you know, do it?"

            "We used to, a lot. But not anymore"

            "I just have to ask this, are you lying about your age?"

            "Hell no! It's just that Keitaro keeps on calling me old hag!"

            "Are you sure?"

            "Yes, I'm sure"

            "I doubt it"

            "Do you want to make something out of it!" Haruka screamed as she raised her fist

            Reiko, totally forgetting the powers Haitani had endowed upon her sweatdropped and said "No not really"

            Haruka crossed her arms and said "Good" 

            "Now a few from a few deranged fans, Did Seta teach you how to smoke?"

            "No, my brother did"

            "Strange family" Reiko thought to herself, but decided not to press any further and asked "So… are the two of you thinking about getting back together?"

            "I am but all he's concerned about now are those stupid turtle civilizations!"

            "Strange Friends" Reiko thought to herself

            "Hey, what's the hold up, keep on askin' em'"

            Reiko snickered and asked "Are you smoking weed?"

            "Not right now, but sometimes I do. They don't notice it anyway."

            "What's your favorite card game?"

            "Strip Poker, don't ask"

            "Are you even worried that some Hentai mangas show you and Keitaro doing it?"

            "Not really"

            "Did Seta ever two-time you?"

            "Yep"

            "Did you ever two-time him?"

            "Well…umm…can we skip that one"

            "Next, Why did Seta leave anyway?"

            "S…s…se…" 

            "What?" Reiko asked

            "Set…set…SETA NO BAKA!!!" Haruka screamed with all her might

            In the deepest part of the forest surrounding Hinata-sou, we find Keitaro, Seta and Hitler-Haitani participating in a strange ritual. And entire army of Mecha tamas surrounded them. Hitler-Haitani raised his arm and said something in German and all the mecha tamas started marching towards the unsuspecting town of Hinata.

            "Myu! Myu! Myu!" The mecha tamas chanted as they marched towards Hinata, Meanwhile a lumbering behemoth of a mecha tama trailed behind, being guarded by a heavily armored mecha tama escort. On it was Keitaro, Seta and Hitler-Haitani.

            "Did you guys hear something?" Seta asked

            "No, not really. What did you hear?"

            "Something like Seta no baka or something"

            "It doesn't matter, the target is already in sight. Crush these fools who dare oppose me!"

            "All Hail!!!"

**                                                                   Author's Notes: Remember, Hail!**

            In a few moments after the mecha-tama army invaded Hinata almost the entire village was engulfed in flames. Except for one house, Hinata-sou. The broken metallic shells of hundreds of mecha-tamas lined the pathway to it and in between that was the bound and gagged form of Aoyama Motoko.

            Hitler-Haitani smiled menacingly at her told the remaining mecha-tamas "Disarm the residents and take all you want, but remember the red headed cockroach is mine."

            "Myu!!!"

            "I'll take that as hail"

            "Myu!!!" and the rest of them stormed the fortress

            "Seta, Keitaro, do what you want with Motoko." And with that he ran inside, rifle in hand, his sheathed katana at his side.

            "Hail!!!"

            He ran inside the room where Reiko was interviewing Haruka and told her "Lieutenant, your platoon is waiting"

            "Yes, sir!" She replied. She gave a crisp salute and ran out the door

            He ran towards Naru's room with his rifle ready and loaded, he broke down her door, pointed it at her and said "Yield or prepare for battle"

            Naru ran to him and attempted to kick him in the face but he evaded it and let loose a burst from his rifle that barely missed Naru. He smiled and continued to fire at her until his magazine was empty. He threw his rifle to the ground and surveyed his surroundings, almost everything wooden was riddled with holes and Naru was lying on the ground clutching her bleeding leg. 

            He drew his sword, pointed it at her throat and asked "Now do you yield?"

            She silently nodded, Hitler-Haitani took a glance outside and said to himself "The campaign for Japan begins"

            Suddenly Reiko ran inside and said "Commander, the UN dropped an N2 bomb at us, it'll totally obliterate us in T minus 20 seconds!"

            "Where's the notebook we still have a chance!"

            "Oh, no! I left it in my purse and the door there is jammed"

            "Well I guess this is the end, Reiko come closer"

            "Yes"

            At the exact moment Haitani put her arm around Reiko the bomb hit its mark and the entire village of Hinata was obliterated in seconds. A white light engulfed everything and when it cleared there was no evidence of the battle and instead it seemed like the day had started again. And inside Hinata-sou all the residents of Hinata-sou were gathered in the kanrinin's room. They encircled the author of the fic, Haitani. Beside him was his loyal assistant, Reiko Yamasaki. He explained to them that he would be gone for a while and that Reiko was going to take care of things while he was gone.

**End of Chapter 2???!!!******

**                                                                                  Author's Notes:**

           Well I have only one thing to say, I suck at editing. And as always my problem which also applies to my other stories, I have absolutely no idea what I'm writing!!! Well I hope the edited version is a bit better than the unedited. And if you think the unedited version is better, tell me and I'll put it back on. I'm trying to decide on who to interview next it's either Naru or Motoko send in yer votes and I'll start on it. So this is Haitani, till next time.


End file.
